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I'm Irishx

Being Irish is a spectrum

This week’s piece was initially going to be about how I crave a Shamrock Shake*, followed by a petition demanding that McDonald’s iconic vanilla and mint-flavoured, green-tinted milkshake be available year-round.


Before you say anything: yes, I’ve had a Shamrock Shake before. Yes, the last time that I had one I was 16 and high. Yes, the sheer amount of saturated sugar in a single sip would probably kill me today. That’s not the point. The point is that I didn’t have much to say beyond the fact that I want a Shamrock Shake, and the piece quickly ran out of steam and turned into an anti-capitalist rant. Not good content.


Still, I felt I needed to mark the day and write about how I’m 1/16th Irish and St Patrick’s Day is actually about me.*


No, I don’t have any official, government-issued documents (citizenship or otherwise) proving that I’m Irish. No, I’m not Catholic. No, I don’t look good in green. No, I couldn’t name a single city in Ireland other than Dublin. No, I don’t know who the president of Ireland is (Queen Elizabeth?). I don’t know a word of Gaelic (Gaelic Mayo lol), and I didn’t know there was a Northern Ireland and regular Ireland until I watched Derry Girls (26 + 6 = 1? that doesn’t sound right, but I failed maths at school).


That doesn’t matter. I’m still Irish, because I:


- Have been to Ireland

- Have a great-great-great grand-uncle who was born in Ireland

- BELIEVE THAT THE IRISH WERE THE ORIGINAL SLAVES

- Eat a lot of potatoes

- Own a ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish’ pin

- Know all the words to ‘Falling’, the song from the Irish motion picture ‘Once’

- Have an Irish temper (I get upset sometimes)

- Have an Irish poet’s soul (I get sappy sometimes)

- Follow rubgy

- Think Jedward have contributed a lot to culture, actually

- Feel represented by the Lucky Charms mascot

- Have third-degree cousins that live in County [Insert Bullshit Irish County Name Here]

- Watched ‘The Wind That Shakes the Barley’ one-and-a-half times (fell asleep halfway through the 2nd time)

- Think that Colin Ferrell is hot

- Think that Cillian Murphy is hot

- Think that Pierce Brosnan is (still) hot

- Was once asked by an Irishman where I was from in Ireland. His name is Diarmuid and he’s totally real.

- Once saw a Leprechaun outside The Gap at my local mall (drug-induced occurrence)

- Get misty-eyed when I hear ‘Danny Boy’ played on the tin flute

- Drink Guinness occasionally

- Have mixed feelings about Bono

- Know an Irish guy who once said asking an Irish person to work the day after St Patrick’s Day was like asking a Muslim to go to work during Ramadan and I didn’t contradict him


This proves it! I’m actually going to go ahead and say that not only am I 100% Irish, but I’m also more Irishx than any Irishx person who has ever lived.


Therefore, I have the authority to tell the people who go out of St Patrick’s Day to wear leprechaun hats and drink green beer that they're contributing to a harmful stereotypisation of my heritage.


My culture is NOT your costume.





Mállóry (I will no longer anglicise my name!)





* I haven’t done a 23andMe because I don’t want some company to have my DNA and I’m fairly certain any trace of Ireland in me, if any, is minimal at best, but I’m Irishx and there’s really nothing anybody can say about it.

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