Being Irish is a spectrum
This week’s piece was initially going to be about how I crave a Shamrock Shake*, followed by a petition demanding that McDonald’s iconic vanilla and mint-flavoured, green-tinted milkshake be available year-round.
Before you say anything: yes, I’ve had a Shamrock Shake before. Yes, the last time that I had one I was 16 and high. Yes, the sheer amount of saturated sugar in a single sip would probably kill me today. That’s not the point. The point is that I didn’t have much to say beyond the fact that I want a Shamrock Shake, and the piece quickly ran out of steam and turned into an anti-capitalist rant. Not good content.
Still, I felt I needed to mark the day and write about how I’m 1/16th Irish and St Patrick’s Day is actually about me.*
No, I don’t have any official, government-issued documents (citizenship or otherwise) proving that I’m Irish. No, I’m not Catholic. No, I don’t look good in green. No, I couldn’t name a single city in Ireland other than Dublin. No, I don’t know who the president of Ireland is (Queen Elizabeth?). I don’t know a word of Gaelic (Gaelic Mayo lol), and I didn’t know there was a Northern Ireland and regular Ireland until I watched Derry Girls (26 + 6 = 1? that doesn’t sound right, but I failed maths at school).
That doesn’t matter. I’m still Irish, because I:
- Have been to Ireland
- Have a great-great-great grand-uncle who was born in Ireland
- BELIEVE THAT THE IRISH WERE THE ORIGINAL SLAVES
- Eat a lot of potatoes
- Own a ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish’ pin
- Know all the words to ‘Falling’, the song from the Irish motion picture ‘Once’
- Have an Irish temper (I get upset sometimes)
- Have an Irish poet’s soul (I get sappy sometimes)
- Follow rubgy
- Think Jedward have contributed a lot to culture, actually
- Feel represented by the Lucky Charms mascot
- Have third-degree cousins that live in County [Insert Bullshit Irish County Name Here]
- Watched ‘The Wind That Shakes the Barley’ one-and-a-half times (fell asleep halfway through the 2nd time)
- Think that Colin Ferrell is hot
- Think that Cillian Murphy is hot
- Think that Pierce Brosnan is (still) hot
- Was once asked by an Irishman where I was from in Ireland. His name is Diarmuid and he’s totally real.
- Once saw a Leprechaun outside The Gap at my local mall (drug-induced occurrence)
- Get misty-eyed when I hear ‘Danny Boy’ played on the tin flute
- Drink Guinness occasionally
- Have mixed feelings about Bono
- Know an Irish guy who once said asking an Irish person to work the day after St Patrick’s Day was like asking a Muslim to go to work during Ramadan and I didn’t contradict him
This proves it! I’m actually going to go ahead and say that not only am I 100% Irish, but I’m also more Irishx than any Irishx person who has ever lived.
Therefore, I have the authority to tell the people who go out of St Patrick’s Day to wear leprechaun hats and drink green beer that they're contributing to a harmful stereotypisation of my heritage.
My culture is NOT your costume.
Mállóry (I will no longer anglicise my name!)
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