And it's their stuffed animal.
OK, so I clickbaited you into opening this article. Big deal. It's all about views, baby!
But now that you're here, you may as well sit back, and read this necessary take on a topic that is near and dear to my heart.
*Note: if you saw my tweet stating that girls that still sleep with stuffed animals are certified horse girls, and I say that as a wannabe horse girl.
**Second Note: blanky girls and stuffed animal girls are synonymous.
Let's start beginning: Beanie Babies, aka the gateway stuffed animal.
I began sleeping with Beanie Babies from the age of three because I was advanced for my age. I strangely never showed any interest in Barbie, or Polly Pockets, or Groovy Girls, though I do love their work. But I never was a doll kinda gal. The one exception, naturally, were 'American Girl Dogs' (which, of course, are the American Girl doll's pet dogs).
Let's face it, I only had eyes for stuffed animals. And sure there were hierarchies, politics, and cliques but at the end of the day, as Dom says in Fast and Furious we're all looking for family.
And I found mine.
We've been going steady now for almost two decades and he's seen me at my lowest. Like during the phase when I got neon green rubber bands on my braces. a dermatologist prescribed me shampoo for a severe case of dandruff. Or when I did bombed a standup set in an attic for an audience of five people, cried, and drank a half a bottle of 19 Crimes. Or when I got a parasite in Peru and shit my pants at Machu Pichu, one of the seven wonders of the world.
He's seen it all. And he's still here.
Muzzy came into my life in an integral period of my life. I was in the third grade and had just hit double digits. I had a gap between my teeth approximately the size of a blueberry and recently experimented with side bangs for the first time in my life.
The particular day Muzzy came into my life, I remember so vividly (due to the trauma). I was in gym class playing dodgeball. Seconds before launching a cannon, I see a flash of orange from the corner of my eye. Is it...no...it can't be? Is that THE Ensworth Tiger mascot in the broad of daylight? Full shivers run down my spine. Before I have time to process what is going on, the fastest (aka hottest) boy in my grade runs full speed into me.
BAM!
Everyone is staring at me. I am fully unaware of the damage that has been done. I'm. just thinking 'Oh they're just now noticing my super chic new side bangs.' That is until I hear a shriek of terror. I look down, blood is pooling at my feet. My skull is cracked. Great. Now not only do I look like a freak, but I RUINED the game of dodgeball for the whole grade, and NO ONE complimented me on my bangs!
Twenty-two stitches later, I am back home. My mom tells me that it's forbidden to play in today's softball game. And just when the world couldn't get any lower, a BEAM of light enters the room. A real angel walks through my front door, my non-biological aunt, Nancy, with a present in her hand.
And what I didn't know was that this present was about to change the course of her-story forever. He had caramel-colored fur, eyes like the black lagoon. A dashing red ribbon around his neck that was scratchy to the touch. We slept together for the first time that night, and that's when I knew, I will spend the rest of my life with him.
Fifteen years later, and Muzzy is the only man who has never let me down. And he never will. So why on god's green earth would I stop sleeping with the best I've ever had? Because society says it's CREEPY to sleep with a toy in your mid-twenties?
Then I guess I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. I don't belong here.
-Hoops
'The modern holy trinity for women: their vibrator, their dab pen, and, of course, Muzzy. '
-Anna Lauren Hooper (2022)
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